i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
