Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He passed out mid-signature
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
