I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
