she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
