My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
