god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
