just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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