Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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