Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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