Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
