So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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