his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
