life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
