Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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