i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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