My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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