i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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