youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
