i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
