sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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