P.S. I can't hear my feet
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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