She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
