and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
