Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
