So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
