making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
