??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
