This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
