I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
