So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
