When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
