got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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