why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
