Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
