Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
