just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
