How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
