What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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