Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
