Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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