Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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