She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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