I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Why can't burritos get me drunk
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
