So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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