i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize