Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
