The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
