Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
