WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Randomize
