Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
