Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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