It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize