i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
