I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
