dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm getting married
To pizza
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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