I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
