Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize
