Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
